Why We Keep Enabling—and 4 Ways to Stop

When family members are worried about a loved one’s substance use, they often do the wrong things. They enable the problem without realizing it, thinking they’re being loyal and supportive. They’re making things worse, but they don’t realize it, because it feels like they’re doing the right thing. It feels good.

There are two phases of enabling, innocent enabling and desperate enabling. Let’s look at one fictional example.

The parents of a young woman in her third year of university are aware that she’s drinking heavily. Her grades sliding and even her best friends—who aren’t angels—are concerned. Then, one night, she crashes into a parked car while intoxicated. She is charged with drunk driving.

Her parents think: “Maria’s just going through a phase. She can’t be an alcoholic at twenty-one. She just needs to get her act together and graduate.” They have an old-fashioned stereotype of an alcoholic, and Maria doesn’t fit the picture. 

Instead of getting advice from an addiction professional, They focus on the legal problem. They hire a lawyer, who ultimately makes a good deal with the judge. They get the car fixed and give her a stern warning. Maria is sorry and embarrassed, but she’s in denial, too.

The parents are diminishing the negative consequences of Maria’s drinking. They’re making her problem less of a problem (for her). They’re enabling the illness to continue, making it easier for Maria to rationalize her behavior. This is innocent enabling. It’s done out of love and concern, but it’s enabling nonetheless.

When a greater crisis comes along, this will change. After a remorseful pause, Maria resumes her party life at the university. Other substances come into play, like Adderall (which initially helps her study harder). 

Though she is on probation, she is still drinking and driving. Seven months later, she has a second and more serious car accident, injuring herself and another person. Her parents panic. “She’s going to go to jail—we’ve got to do something!” But they’re still focused on the legal consequences, and less focused on the drinking. They realize alcohol is a serious problem now, but they still don’t seek out professional help. They’ve moved into desperate enabling. They realize she may wind up behind bars, just like a real alcoholic. They’re driven by fear and they’re determined to fix the situation.

Desperate enabling only makes Maria’s problem worse. She hasn’t received any meaningful treatment, so the disease progresses. Although her parents know there is a serious problem, they see it as a lack of willpower, instead of recognizing it as a medical issue. They are enabling the disease to continue. Desperately enabling.

They could be addressing both problems at the same time. They could work with both an addiction professional and a lawyer. They could be planning a loving and comprehensive intervention and taking appropriate legal action. 

Most people suffering from substance use disorders (addiction) have an enabling system. This enabling system is comprised of well-meaning friends and family members who unwittingly help the disease get worse. The enablers may be the source of money or alibis, housing, or jobs. Or they may simply ignore the problem.

But just as families can make things worse, they can also make things better. When the enabling system turns into an intervening system, the disease becomes much harder to maintain. Friends and family cannot cure addiction, but they can have a very positive impact on the problem and open the door to recovery. Families can break the cycle of enabling in four ways:

1) Talk openly with the alcoholic about the problem. Stick to the facts and don’t be judgmental. Only have the discussion when the person is sober. Talk about what you will do to help, and talk about what you will no longer do to enable the problem. Also, talk openly with other family members, so everyone is on the same page. Do not talk to the alcoholic one-to-one. Make sure there are at least two or three of you present to address the problem.

2) Do not give or lend money for the addiction, or to cover debts caused by the addiction. Be vigilant in protecting the silent victims of addiction, like children caught in the middle. Financial help can always be given after the person goes to appropriate treatment.

3) Start your own recovery. Al-anon, Nar-anon, and Families Anonymous are helpful groups. It is often too difficult to stop enabling without help of people with more knowledge. Join a group, and draw on their experience, strength, and hope.

4) Learn more about the problem and the solution. You can download a copy of Love First: a family’s guide to intervention, 3rd edition, (Hazelden, 2021) and start reading it right away. It will teach you about the dynamics of addiction and how to organize a family intervention team. It will walk you step-by-step through the process of planning and carrying out a good, structured family intervention.

When the enabling system turns into an intervening system, things begin to change. A family intervention focuses the love and concern in a specific and organized way. It can bring relief to the family and treatment to the alcoholic or addict. As we say in Love First:

“If we are focused on the alcoholic, we are focused on the problem. When we take our eyes off the problem, we’re no longer be trapped by it. We put our focus on our power to act in ways that create solutions.”

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An earlier version of this article was published in the Grosse Pointe News.