Alcoholism and Gaslighting

Transcript
Are they drinking too much or are you just losing your mind? You might think you’re losing your mind the way they talk back to you and rationalize and justify and make all these excuses, like: “What are you making such a big deal about? I’m just sitting here trying to relax. I’m having a drink or two.”

And by the way, you can plug in any other drug that you want. You know, some weed, some cocaine, painkillers, you name it. But your beloved alcoholic or addict may make you feel like you’re absolutely losing your mind with the excuses that they try out on you, such as. “Hey, I’ve had a really hard day at work. I just need to unwind a little bit and have a drink or two.”

Yeah, as if! As if it were a drink or two. And that’s what you were making a big deal about. It’s not, is it? You don’t have to think you’re going crazy.

They might also say something like: “Well, hey, a lot of kids drink a lot at college. I’m just being like every other kid.”

Well, is every other kid like having their grades go down and have all these other consequences that you’re having? I don’t think so. I’m not just making this up as your parent.

Maybe it’s an older person. “Oh, I’m retired now. I really don’t have anything to do. I can have a few drinks in the afternoon, so if I fall asleep by two o’clock or something like that, it’s my business, it’s my life, and these are my last pleasures.”

Well, maybe we kind of need you around for your kids and your grandkids and everything else. Maybe it’s not time to give up on life yet. There are lots of different excuses that people use these rationalizations and justifications.

They might say: “You’re just nagging. I have to drink. Hey, you’re lucky I’m not doing cocaine or heroin, or doing all these things that all these other people do.” They’re trying to play this blame game and, and do this blame shifting and gaslighting thing.

“Hey, I haven’t had a DUI yet. I haven’t crashed a car. I haven’t done this. I haven’t done that.” Well, how high does the bar have to be to have a problem with substances?

They may say, “I’m not hurting anyone. I mean, it’s only me. I’m only hurting myself. So what difference does it make?” Well, the difference is people love you and they rely on you and they need you. So it actually is hurting a lot of people besides yourself.

“Oh, I’m not really that bad. I mean, look at the way Johnny is. I mean, now you want to talk about an alcoholic that’s an alcoholic. I still have a job. I’m still going to school. I’m just…”

Fill in the blank, whatever their excuse is always trying to compare out about why they don’t have a problem, but maybe you’re not losing your mind because the fact of the matter is people who don’t have drinking and drug problems don’t make these kind of excuses. They don’t have to. They’re having a couple of drinks with friends in social situations. It’s not a big deal. But what you are seeing with your beloved alcoholic or addict may very well be a big deal. And I would just say don’t wait until they hit a hard bottom. Okay? Because some people’s bottom doesn’t have any bounce.

My name’s Jeff Jay. I am an addiction counselor and a clinical interventionist, and I am forever grateful that my family didn’t. Abandoned me and didn’t give up on me. They did what needed to be done to get me into treatment and into long-term recovery because you know what? I couldn’t do it on my own.

And I am a person in long-term recovery now because other people took action. So what do you want to do? Well, first of all, you wanna stop enabling, okay? And step back, take the focus off the beloved that you are concerned about and start putting it on yourself. What do I need to learn? How can I get an ally to help me in this?

Start looking at our website, for example, love first.net. There are many free resources that you’ll find very, very helpful, and I mean, they’re actually free too. You don’t have to put in an email address or anything like that. They’re just there for you. If you want, you can get a copy of our book, “Love First.” It’s been the bestselling book on intervention for 25 years, and you don’t even have to buy it. You can get it from your local library. Just make sure you get the latest edition. I. So start to get a plan together. They’re not just gonna magically come to some epiphany that they need to stop drinking or drugging.

There’s probably going to have to be some kind of intervention, and hopefully it’s not a legal intervention or a medical intervention or a loss of a job or a relationship or something like that. Let’s hope it’s gonna be a good love first family intervention to help bring them to a moment of clarity where they can accept the help that’s being offered.

That’s the way to save them from the disease of addiction and help them to get on the right track so they can get their life back, get their purpose back, get to being the person that they’re meant to be, whether they’re a young person now or an older person or something in between.

There’s always a lot more left in life. And what I want you to know before I close here is that there really is a tremendous amount of hope. You may feel like you’ve done. All kinds of things to try to address this problem, but in all likelihood, there’s a lot more you can do. So learn more. Give us a call, look at the website, and start taking action yourself to learn more and get a plan.

It worked for me and my family, and I know it’ll work for you. See you in the next video.