The Spirituality of Taking Action

Dear Jeff and Debra,

My daughter is 29 and has always been bright and capable. She graduated from college and has had several good jobs, but she keeps losing them. I believe alcohol is a big part of the problem, and possibly other drugs. She says she’s depressed, but she doesn’t take her medication consistently and refuses to work with a therapist. Her friends have contacted me because they’re worried. She recently lost another very good job and got a DUI, and now she’s coming back home to live with me.

People are giving me a lot of conflicting advice. Some people tell me I need to “let go” and let her find her own way, and that this is the most loving and spiritual thing I can do. But that doesn’t feel right to us, especially now. I don’t support her financially, so I’m not sure how much influence I really have. I’m afraid of making things worse, but I’m also afraid of doing nothing. Is letting go really the right approach? Isn’t there something more I can do?

—Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned:

Spirituality in recovery is often misunderstood. People imagine something quiet, like prayer, or mindfulness, or just letting go. Those things have their place. But in the real world of addiction and recovery, spirituality usually looks different, and it’s all about taking action.

Recovery doesn’t happen by accident. It begins when someone is willing to take the next right step, even when the full path is uncertain. For families, that step is often the hardest one, because it means committing to a real plan.

Your daughter is showing a pattern that suggests a loss of control. Losing jobs, getting a DUI, and returning home after having been independent are not isolated events. They are signals that something more serious is happening.

But the most powerful warning comes from her friends. Young people socialize a lot, and they naturally cover for each other when they step out of line. The fact that her friends have come to you with concerns about her drinking should set off alarm bells.

When families wait for the person to “figure it out,” the situation almost always gets worse, not better. You are right to question the advice that says you should simply step back. The time for waiting for her to self-correct has passed.

You may feel you have little influence because you are not supporting her financially, but that’s not the whole picture. You have more influence than you think, especially now that she is coming home. You can decide what happens in your house, what you are willing to support, and what needs to change. That is not being controlling. It’s taking appropriate action when someone you love is in trouble.

The goal is not a short-term improvement. The goal is lasting change, so she can have a life where alcohol or drugs no longer run the show.

For many families, the most effective next step is to stop having circular conversations and instead prepare a structured approach. This is often done through a guided intervention process. When done properly, an intervention is not a confrontation. It is a calm, organized conversation where family members speak from the heart with one voice, express their concerns, and present a plan for recovery.

Preparation is the key. Family members begin by taking time to understand the problem, decide on a course of action, and plan exactly how the conversation will unfold. This takes much of the emotion and guesswork out of the situation. It replaces chaos with clarity.

Over time, “letting go” has come to mean stepping aside and waiting for the disease to run its course. But that was never the intention. As Debra has often said, you must never surrender the family to addiction. Letting go means letting go of fear and confusion—not letting go of your loved one.

At the same time, you will need to make decisions about your home. If your daughter is going to live with you, that should come with reasonable expectations. Those expectations might include participation in treatment and an active program of recovery. But these should be presented carefully, as part of a loving intervention process.

This does not mean being harsh or punitive. It means being consistent, and that consistency is often what helps a person begin to take the situation seriously.

You do not have to figure this out on your own. We strongly recommend that families in your situation have at least one strategy session with a clinician who is trained in intervention and family recovery. An experienced professional can help you assess the situation, avoid common mistakes, and develop a plan that fits your family. You can also find step-by-step guidance in our book, Love First: A Family’s Guide to Intervention (3rd ed., Hazelden, 2021), which is available through many public libraries. You don’t even have to buy it.

We know this can feel overwhelming, but you don’t need to solve everything today. Just take the next step. Get good guidance, get organized as a family, and move forward with a clear plan.

Real change begins when a family stops waiting and starts moving forward with love. That’s the spirituality of taking action.

This article originally appeared in the Grosse Pointe News.