Perseverance

Dear Jeff and Debra:

I’ve been sober for five months, but sometimes I still get depressed and anxious. How can I make up for the years I’ve wasted? Also, I think about all the terrible things I did. What can I do to feel better? I definitely don’t want to use mood-altering drugs, but sometimes I’m just hanging on by my fingernails.

                                                                                             -Newbie

Dear Newbie:

First, congratulate yourself for staying sober. There are countless people who don’t believe they can make five months without a drink. Can you remember when you were one of them? Give yourself a break! You’ve already achieved what many people only dream of.

Next, let’s see if you’ve got the basics covered. Have you worked all Twelve Steps with a sponsor? It’s particularly important to complete a “searching and fearless moral inventory” (Steps 4 & 5). Most people experience tremendous relief after working those steps, with a sponsor. Sharing your inventory with your sponsor or another trusted person helps stop anxious thoughts and puts our past foibles in perspective.

It’s also important to make amends with your sponsor (Steps 8 & 9). This requires careful consideration. Don’t try doing this work on your own. It’s also helpful to remember you’re making living amends every day by staying sober. Your friends and family might not fully believe it yet, but in time they’ll appreciate the hard work you’re doing now.

Deepening your spiritual life is also important. Making peace with the universe, being honest, and living up to your own personal values will bring real rewards—in time. Ultimately, we all need to get into the stream of goodness in the world. Despite all the strife and suffering we read about in the news, there’s a lot of love all around us. If you take the time to look, you’ll find like-minded people. Take suggestions from people you admire.

Being active in your Twelve Step home group is critical. Even taking on small jobs, like cleaning up the coffee, have far more depth than we can see on the surface. When you become a real participant instead of a spectator, you’ll get more out of the meetings. You’ll be getting into the stream of goodness.

Also remember, in any great endeavor—earning a degree, raising a child, pursuing a career—there are days of drudgery. No one gets to be a star athlete without pain and perseverance. Perhaps that’s the word for the day. Perseverance. Not only have you stayed sober, but you’ve also persevered through the dark nights. You’ve proved you can make it—one day at a time.

Now, if you have persistent anxiety and depression, you should seek professional help. There may be more going on than your email (which we edited for length) would indicate. Some mental health problems, particularly those stemming from trauma, that may become worse without the numbing effects of alcohol. There are well-trained and experienced clinicians  who can help.

Again, we want to congratulate you on your journey. Stay close to the people in the program who have contented sobriety. Stick with your sponsor and meet with them frequently. Attend plenty of meetings and watch for opportunities to help. Before long, you’ll be a veteran yourself, and be able to sponsor a new member. What would you tell them on a dark day?

You’d probably say: “Hang in there, you’re doing just fine.” Perseverance is the very definition of hanging in there and moving forward. In our eyes, you’re the definition of a winner.