Parenting and Marijuana

Dear Jeff and Debra:

Our 16-year-old son is smoking marijuana. He doesn’t hide it, arguing that it is natural and legal. We’ve pointed out that it isn’t legal for him. Of course, he has an answer for everything. Kids have become openly defiant toward parents due to the acceptance of drug and alcohol use in our society. We took our son’s driving privileges away, but he doesn’t care. His friends pick him up and off he goes. We could ground him, but we can’t do that forever. The respectful relationship we once had with our son has vanished. What can we do?

                                                                                                            –Concerned Mom & Dad

Dear Concerned:

The first question to ask yourself is: “What’s more important, being our son’s friend or being his parents?” If the priority is being your son’s friend, you will make choices around keeping him happy. If it’s being parents, you will sometimes make him unhappy or even angry. We’re assuming you would choose being parents first.

Your son’s belief that marijuana is harmless has become quite popular. However, marijuana has serious consequences for young, developing brains. As parents, protecting your child’s brain is a priority.

To address this situation, you need a well-formed plan that begins with this statement: “As parents, our number one job is keeping you safe. We are particularly interested in keeping your rapidly developing brain safe from being adversely rewired by mood-altering substances. We are not basing decisions on feelings or beliefs. We are following the neuroscience. We hope you choose to partner with us in making better choices.”

Before approaching your son, educate yourselves. Use the link below to view a PDF with a brain scan of an adolescent, marijuana user. https://lovefirst.net/books-and-media/ (link to PDF in middle of page)

In adolescence and young adulthood, the final stages of rapid brain development last until age twenty-five. This stage is responsible for planning, decision-making, staying focused on tasks, and learning ability. Marijuana-affected brains perform more poorly in these areas. Take time to look at the research online, beginning with Dr. Susan Tapert’s work.

Share what you learn with your son, followed by discussing an expectation of abstinence. Explain the positive consequences of maintaining abstinence and the negative consequences of using mood-altering substances. The consequences must be meaningful. Some parents tell their child that the decision to continue using drugs is a declaration of emancipation. They no longer expect parental support in the form of money or purchases or other assistance. Positive consequences are examples of the good things that naturally flow when we trust someone (never use bribes). A drug testing service creates transparency and accountability.

Consequences, both positive and negative, are presented as something your son earns through his decision making. Your part is defined as proper parenting. Consistency is always key.

If your son still chooses to use marijuana, he may have a more serious problem. Consult with an addiction professional.